Man, life is easy. You don’t have to take these trigacalcanuclei classes like these other guys. If there was a crumb on the table and you make a sandwich and drop a crumb, how many crumbs do you clean off the table? Yes, two is the correct answer. There’s two dishes in the sink and you use a plate, how many dishes go in the dishwasher? That’s right, three.
Boy scouts is all you need to know. And you know what? I just taught it to you. So if you didn’t go to boy scouts, it doesn’t matter anymore. Heck, I didn’t even get my whatever you call it badge with the bird on it.
And you’ll have to cut your hair. And yeah, I know those people are saying to you “man, people gotta take me for who I am, accept me bla bla” and yeah well that’s their problem. But we’ve gotta look presentable to the biggest range of people if we’re gonna be successful. That means you gotta cut that pretty hair of yours. It’s pretty nice looking actually…
But hey, I’ll be shaving my chops off. Man I love these chops! That’s why I’m taking pictures of them, and then I’m going to write under the pictures: “What I’m sacrificing for a better life. Is it worth it?” and you know what I’ll say? Freak yeah it is! Freakin chops or freakin success? Are you joking me?!
So anyway, we’re having delicious hash browns for dinner. You know what we’re having for breakfast tomorrow? Freakin delicous hash browns. Man I love hash browns! Or we could have some beans or something, but I’m vegan so no eggs or anything. I don’t even want them in the house. Well I suppose you could buy some if you really wanted. But don’t expect me to eat any. Do you know what the chickens go through? The ones in the factory farms anyway. Which is pretty much every egg in stores.
Whatever. You don’t need me telling you what to do. I’m not your mother. Maybe you need a mother. Maybe you sit there and don’t know what to do, and wish there was someone there helping you. Well I don’t know what happened to your mom, but she did the best she knew how with what she knew. I know that without even meeting her! Man I’m visual. And even if she didn’t, forget the past. You are here now, and whatever you went through, even if you thought it was a waste, you got something now that you can turn into success. Success in what? In whatever it is we decide it to be. That’s what we’ll have to figure out.
Well I’m going to go take a shower. I’m all sweaty. Don’t think that you can sit here and be all melancholy or whatever while I’m taking a shower. Let’s see what you’re made of!
The preceeding post was an imaginary conversation with an imaginary homeless person I found on the street and invited to my house that is also imaginary.
Tags: boy scouts, bum, homeless, imaginary, life, melancholy
